My dearest reader, first I want to thank you for clicking on this blog.
That indicates that you may be in a phase of your life where you’re choosing to really get to know you.
Yes, get to know you I say, the truth is many of us will go most of a lifetime never truly knowing who we are.
I mean yes, we may know our favorite color, we may have a style, we may know our favorite food or maybe your favorite pet.
But at a point in your life typically after experiencing a life changing situation.
Just like that you find yourself in a place of confusion of who you are and how you even got there.
Now the truth is in this time is where most of us choose to focus on ourselves.
I am in that season now; it’s now been a little over a year
Let me tell you a little about how it’s been and how it’s going.
Honestly my true opening statement to one of the most important journeys that you will ever embark on is…
Truly focusing on yourself is a painful process of accepting that you must make drastic changes for the sake of finding yourself.
That begins with accepting that growth takes time, although in writing or just saying it sounds so simple you won’t know until you are there.
For me finding myself was a process of most importantly building a relationship with God.
And just like that God begins to work, it’s like he does a divine ultrasound of every piece of who you are and the hidden parts we think we have “forgotten”
At first, he is gentle, he pulls you out of whatever the situation is that drastically impacted you to the point that being who you used to be is no longer a choice.
I remember at first it felt like he had taken all the pain I carried for so many years, I felt healed me.I felt like a walking miracle.
It was truly the first time I realized God really existed.
The first couple months you are recovering, adjusting to your new choice of life which can include solitude.
But the way the Lord works in you keeps you at a place of serenity.
In the beginning he was showing me how valuable I was and little by little started to teach me how to stand up for what I believed in.
That made me feel so good.
Around sixth months in, everything changed
I had no idea what was coming for me, for months now God honestly held me like a child in his arms and I felt safe.
However, like any child at some point we all must grow up.
Finding your identity is like growing through your childhood stages all over again, and I felt like a baby growing into a toddler.
This meant beginning to walk alone, at this time it was like all the pain that I felt was numbed, came back and it smacked me when I least expected it.
It was time for God to reveal to me deeper pains and traumas that I had been carrying.
It began with my deceased father. If you read my first Blog, you know my story with him was rocky.
After years with never having him consistently around he did die unexpectedly in 2018.
To be honest I was shocked that it hurt as much as it did, hence we never really had a real father and daughter relationship.
Not having him in my life was already the beginning of growing up with a broken identity.
The lord began to show me the unhealthy things I placed myself in as well as what I had allowed and continued to allow for so long.
The truth is the lack of knowledge of what a masculine figure is, how they love, what was right and wrong was completely distorted in my mind, heart, soul and spirit.
In the beginning of my journey a man came into my life when I least expected it.
Anyway, God allowed me to see my unhealthy traits through my experiences with this man.
I noticed how desperate I was for love, to be wanted, to be accepted.
How willing I was to compromise, to what I believed in that time, were my deepest desires.
God showed it to me so raw, and this is where the pain begins.
If anyone ever tells you that finding yourself doesn’t come with pain, they honestly have not truly embarked on that journey.
Now honestly, I tried to force that situation so much to avoid being rejected and most of all to avoid really looking deep within me.
I began to play the blame game, the I’m a good woman I deserve better.
That’s true and all but really, we can’t cry and scream about the things we choose to stay in and allow in our life’s.
I wont lie to you, the deeper the Lord took me internally the angrier I became towards him, that man, and anyone I felt hurt by.
I began to seclude myself more than I already was, the enemy attacked me, and it hurt me to my core.
At some point I could only focus on rejection and all the failed relationships I experienced.
But God took me deeper and deeper, and I realized the problem was not him or the past failed relationships.
The problem was me. The truth is until I really learned to love me, I could never really love anyone else.
The more that I was seeking God the more I began to fall in love with him, although he always let me fall, he has always been so gentle with me.
God continued to show up in every situation I faced in my life, I prayed, I fasted, I called to him, I cried tears of joy and tears of sadness.
I fell into sin. But God still loved me, chose me, and anointed me.
When I felt lost or confused, he always picked me up and reminded me that I am wonderfully and fearfully made.
With God I experienced a Love I never knew. His love filled the empty voids in my heart.
Just like that the areas in my heart that felt desperate for Love simply became filled with satisfying love for my Creator.
His love gave me the Identity I always searched for. He completed me.
SEE, the thing is in your journey if you don’t seek God, you will never truly know yourself.
God created us, every part of you was placed there by him. He knows all your likes and dislikes.
Its like how cars need a specific key to unlock it.
Jesus is our key.
My friend my journey is nowhere near done, for it is just the beginning but Jesus has truly renewed me, and I have never felt so whole.
The more I fall in love with him, I also fall in love with myself.
It feels like being a puzzle that was scattered and finding God put all the pieces of the puzzle that I am together in its perfect place.
So, I will end like this. Identity comes when you seek your creator.
Matthew 7:7
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
xoxoxo
Roxana Romero
