My dearest reader, welcome to a new blog.
As you can see by the title the Holy Spirit has lead me to talk about a deep and raw topic.
Can we get real, raw, and vulnerable?
Life as a Victim
Honestly this is a deep topic for me, I mean if I could describe my testimony in a short sentence.
It would be I was once a victim but now I live in victory.
I have mentioned this before but I was born in the Dominican Republic and lived there about 8 years before coming to the United States.
As a young girl I don’t have much memories with my parents.
At only months old my father left DR to come to the US and so I and my siblings were with my mother.
However at the age of 3 my mother also came to the US to pursue a better life for us.
In the mean time she left us to live with someone she believed she could trust.
Real, Raw & Vulnerable
In this environment I experienced rejection and sexual abuse.
Along with my siblings we remained in contact with our mother, she would visit as often as possible and provided for our needs.
During this time she did not know what was happening.
Years later she was able to bring us to the US.
When I arrived I was malnourished and had an hernia.
By the grace of God within some short months I gained weight and was healthy.
The hernia left and a new chapter of my life began at the age of 8.
Growing up was difficult, I was raised by a single woman who did an amazing job.
However she struggled and it was not easy.
As a teenager I lacked identity and I began having meaningless relationships to fill the void of an absent father.
I tried drugs with friends. I did things that was not really who I was.
Trauma
I was young and irresponsible which lead to having children out of wedlock.
I always desired a long lasting marriage and relationship from a young age.
I was very naïve and fell. I came into one of the worst experiences of my life.
I was in a 3 year abusive relationship.
In this time I didn’t know the Lord yet and I experienced a very traumatic time of my life.
I went through verbal, mental and physical abuse.
In this time I really lost any piece of what I thought was who I was.
I was able to eventually get out of that relationship…
Unfortunately by running away and jumping into a new one, thinking this was the way for me and my children.
I so wish I could speak to myself in that time to tell her she could do it alone, that a man named Jesus wants to love her…
But hey this was my testimony even though I didn’t know it yet.
New Chapter or New Trauma
In this new relationship I thought things would be better.
With my desperate need to be loved I was hopeful.
It didn’t last long before this new relationship also ended in physical abuse.
We’re going to get real raw and vulnerable right?
I have never said this publicly and not too many people.
In this time I also became pregnant…
With fear and feeling like a victim of more abuse in my life.
I chose to have an abortion…
It’s something that I do regret and again I wish I could talk to myself in that time.
Tell her she can do this ALONE.
After this life got really difficult. I was broken, empty and lacked identity.
But I had children, and because of them I never gave up.
The truth is throughout those years many times I was close to committing suicide…
I never did because they were my reason to fight. I had to do better, be better, and give them better.
In the true end of that last relationship. God rescued me…
A moment of silence for my KING.
Rescued
God came into my life and began to speak life into me.
He did a 180 in my life.
I mean it was an immediate change in mindset.
Who I was passed away and he was doing a new thing in me.
I began to seek him, I was consumed by his leading, presence and Love.
The truth is it has taken me a while to understand Love.
He took me through a journey of healing, and this meant opening up old wounds.
Ohhh how much it hurt, I cried I screamed I laughed.
And through it all he has kept me even when I couldn’t understand his plan.
Renewed
I have been by his side two years now, with a lifetime to go.
He is still working in me, but let me tell you something about my Jesus, He has brought peace to my mind, heart, spirit and soul.
This journey isn’t easy in itself because he has lifted the veil over my eyes and has revealed the truth of this world.
But through that he has truly shown me that the seasons of living as a victim were over.
The moment he snatched me from the grip of the enemy the Victory was already mine.
I have been single for 2 years and it has truly been a roller coaster.
It has hurt at times, but it truly is what I never knew I needed.
In Christ I found freedom, he is teaching me that I am complete in him and not relationships or the world.
I have grown tremendously as a mother, daughter and friend.
Victory
It wasn’t for nothing God says…
Through your story many will find meaning and understanding in Gods purpose over their lives.
The truth is life will always be a constant road of growth.
To grow we must learn perseverance and endurance.
We must sow seeds of Love, patience, self-control and kindness.
The road will not be easy. That is why we are not meant to carry it all alone.
Live will make sense when we come into communion with our creator.
The one who know us best. Our beginning and our end.
Today he told me,
Roxana you were never rejected.
The moment I placed you in your mother’s womb, I gave you life.
And I saw you. When no one sees you, I see you.
Look up my child because you are not a victim, you are Victorious.
XOXO
Check Out my recent Blogs!!
- God Delivered me from cigarette addiction – My Testimony
- Embracing changing Seasons
- Two Types of Love the Bible talks about
- Seeing yourself the way God sees you
- 3 Valentine’s Day dates for the single Christian
